hobgoblinn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hobgoblinn) wrote2008-07-15 07:43 pm
hobgoblinn) wrote2008-07-15 07:43 pm
Mea Culpa
It's just as well that I never sent that letter to the Bishop a while back. That's behind a friends lock, but the short version is, I was very angry at the Good Monsignor's continued unfriendly attitude toward me and Wee Hob. I decided to wait until it felt less like I was sending a flame, and by then I had realized that I wasn't sure what I really wanted and that sending such an incendiary letter was a really good way to take away all my choice in the matter. I do work there, after all, and sometimes I even get paid.
And now, I am in possession of some new information. Some information that leads me to believe I owe the good monsignor an apology, and although he has likely never seen my journal, a retraction here.
On Saturday, I was going through a box of odds and ends in my room when I noticed some smaller, very old boxes. Boxed crucifixes, probably purchased some 40 years ago and forgotten in the choir room until a certain Wee Hob stole them. Also, a bag of red zippers that match our robes.
I confronted him and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about those."
Yeah, okay, maybe. I made arrangements to return them to the head usher quietly, as I didn't want to give the Good Monsignor a new reason to be angry.
The head usher took them from Wee Hob and gave him a stern talking to. He then put them in the sacristy and I sent Wee Hob home with his godparents so I could get ready to sing my mass.
Then the head usher asked me if by chance I had seen any walkie talkies back then (short range ones, like toys but a little nicer). Actually I had. Wee Hob claimed they were his friend Ryan's and that they were playing with them and Ryan gave them to him. I had made him return them ages ago, believing in the aftermath of the Cathedral thefts that these were also stolen.
Gets worse. The Good Monsignor also approached me and wondered if Wee Hob were loose in his cathedral again. I told him no and explained the boxes as something that had been forgotten and recently found. And he asked if by chance I had seen a pair of binoculars.
That was another item I was sure was stolen but could not prove, and I had insisted he return it to its rightful owner as well. I had believed this was also something that had disappeared from Ryan's house, and Wee Hob told me he had returned it before I got home from work one day. I have never met Ryan's grandmother, who lives in our complex. I should have made more effort to do that, I realize.
When I confronted him about this, Wee Hob was able to locate the binoculars, which he had hidden elsewhere in the house. And he finally admitted that they were also from the Cathedral. He continues to swear the walkie talkies were given to him, but he can not tell me where they are now. No idea what else was missing from the Cathedral during this time period, but it seems clear that the Good Monsignor was trying to be decent and not present me with a laundry list when there was no proof Wee Hob was responsible for all of it. It's a fairly open building, and thefts do happen there.
So, while the Good Monsignor has maybe not been as gracious as he might have been, I really haven't been either. And my son is both a thief and a liar and I really do not know what to do. Other than take away all his privileges again, not trust him, be really angry at him and tell him I might take a long while to get over it, and make him write a letter of apology to the Good Monsignor: legible, properly spelled, and demonstrating both a clear understanding of all the ways his actions have wronged the man and a sincere penitence for it. This last is torture in a lot of ways-- he has a hard time writing, and it will take several copies before he gets one that's acceptable.
His therapist knows about it and is backing up my letter of apology demand-- he'll be excluded from camp outings until it's completed. The senseless of it really gets me, on top of the whole betrayal of trust thing. I mean, he was already caught, and these items were ones we had already told him we knew were stolen. How hard could it be to give them back to the right people, while you're already being punished for the offense? He lost all privileges and was grounded for months-- it's not like I could have done anything worse because he honestly had nothing left to take Already. I. Do. Not. Understand.
Back to my point. I was wrong, about a great many things, and regardless of anybody else's actions or omissions, and I wanted to state that publicly and for the record. Which I have now done.
And now, I am in possession of some new information. Some information that leads me to believe I owe the good monsignor an apology, and although he has likely never seen my journal, a retraction here.
On Saturday, I was going through a box of odds and ends in my room when I noticed some smaller, very old boxes. Boxed crucifixes, probably purchased some 40 years ago and forgotten in the choir room until a certain Wee Hob stole them. Also, a bag of red zippers that match our robes.
I confronted him and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about those."
Yeah, okay, maybe. I made arrangements to return them to the head usher quietly, as I didn't want to give the Good Monsignor a new reason to be angry.
The head usher took them from Wee Hob and gave him a stern talking to. He then put them in the sacristy and I sent Wee Hob home with his godparents so I could get ready to sing my mass.
Then the head usher asked me if by chance I had seen any walkie talkies back then (short range ones, like toys but a little nicer). Actually I had. Wee Hob claimed they were his friend Ryan's and that they were playing with them and Ryan gave them to him. I had made him return them ages ago, believing in the aftermath of the Cathedral thefts that these were also stolen.
Gets worse. The Good Monsignor also approached me and wondered if Wee Hob were loose in his cathedral again. I told him no and explained the boxes as something that had been forgotten and recently found. And he asked if by chance I had seen a pair of binoculars.
That was another item I was sure was stolen but could not prove, and I had insisted he return it to its rightful owner as well. I had believed this was also something that had disappeared from Ryan's house, and Wee Hob told me he had returned it before I got home from work one day. I have never met Ryan's grandmother, who lives in our complex. I should have made more effort to do that, I realize.
When I confronted him about this, Wee Hob was able to locate the binoculars, which he had hidden elsewhere in the house. And he finally admitted that they were also from the Cathedral. He continues to swear the walkie talkies were given to him, but he can not tell me where they are now. No idea what else was missing from the Cathedral during this time period, but it seems clear that the Good Monsignor was trying to be decent and not present me with a laundry list when there was no proof Wee Hob was responsible for all of it. It's a fairly open building, and thefts do happen there.
So, while the Good Monsignor has maybe not been as gracious as he might have been, I really haven't been either. And my son is both a thief and a liar and I really do not know what to do. Other than take away all his privileges again, not trust him, be really angry at him and tell him I might take a long while to get over it, and make him write a letter of apology to the Good Monsignor: legible, properly spelled, and demonstrating both a clear understanding of all the ways his actions have wronged the man and a sincere penitence for it. This last is torture in a lot of ways-- he has a hard time writing, and it will take several copies before he gets one that's acceptable.
His therapist knows about it and is backing up my letter of apology demand-- he'll be excluded from camp outings until it's completed. The senseless of it really gets me, on top of the whole betrayal of trust thing. I mean, he was already caught, and these items were ones we had already told him we knew were stolen. How hard could it be to give them back to the right people, while you're already being punished for the offense? He lost all privileges and was grounded for months-- it's not like I could have done anything worse because he honestly had nothing left to take Already. I. Do. Not. Understand.
Back to my point. I was wrong, about a great many things, and regardless of anybody else's actions or omissions, and I wanted to state that publicly and for the record. Which I have now done.
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May there be peace soon. [hugs]
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Thank you for your moral courage in posting a public retraction.
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Thanks for your support and prayers.
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I'm glad you held up on sending the letter!
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I know you are heartsick. And I know you have to ground him etc all over again - tiresome and depressing. What does he say about this?
Hang in there - this is going to take extra patience and a real hard ass Mom face.....
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I'm telling him "I love you no matter what. But I am still very very mad at you, and that might not change for quite a while."
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It might be helpful if he understands how much extra work it is for you to have to uber supervise him. Sometimes my kids didn't realize how hard I had to try once they screwed up.....
Also - substitute disappoint for mad - it makes them feel guiltier!
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Yeah, I will make sure he knows how hard it's going to be on me to have to uber supervise. good phrase for it.
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::hugs::
I'm sure his therapist has some good ideas about what's driving the thievery; feelings of deprivation die hard, even after a long time of sufficiency, is my experience.
I think talking to him, and modeling this good behavior of stepping up and taking responsibility is the best you can do. I would doubt he needs further deprivation; he needs to see integrity in his life and in the world. Sadly it's in short supply in general, but luckily you have a great lot of it, and he knows that.
Listen to me -- um, well, for what it's worth, that's what I think.
::more hugs::
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The letter sounds like a good idea, and Wee Hob's lucky to have you looking out for him, even if he might be chafing a bit at the loss of privileges.
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Thanks for the support.
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"I was wrong, about a great many things, and regardless of anybody else's actions or omissions, and I wanted to state that publicly and for the record."
Much respect for doing the above, personally I don't think I'd possess the courage or humility, so am full of admiration for yours.
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Ah well. Thanks.
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It might have tasted bitter to do it, but I think posting this apology was good. It's one of the reasons I like you: Your code of honor and sense of fair play. I'm not sure I've ever said that to anyone before, but there you go.
You have my prayers and my hopes that you and your son will find peace with yourselves and each other.
*hugs*
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A little story. My brother shoplifted and was in trouble with the police when he was 15. All the more serious because Dad was the local police chief. It was horrible for all of us - and he could offer no explanation for what he'd done.
Three years later he was admitted to Oxford, one of the two most prestigious universities in the country. He's now 50, a pillar of the community and totally stable.
So you see, it can be done. I know you and he will get through this.{{hugs}}
I'm sorry, love. I just haven't been able to get onto the beta stuff - and we're off to France tonight. Back August 4th - let me know what you want me to do when I get back and I'll put it at the top of my list.
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And thanks for the reminder that even the most Y chromosome impaired sometimes outgrow this stuff. Good to know.
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I sorry things are difficult for you both right now. I hope that eventually things will work out and this'll just end up being a bad bump in the road of life.
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