Mea Culpa

[hobgoblinn]

It's just as well that I never sent that letter to the Bishop a while back. That's behind a friends lock, but the short version is, I was very angry at the Good Monsignor's continued unfriendly attitude toward me and Wee Hob. I decided to wait until it felt less like I was sending a flame, and by then I had realized that I wasn't sure what I really wanted and that sending such an incendiary letter was a really good way to take away all my choice in the matter. I do work there, after all, and sometimes I even get paid.

And now, I am in possession of some new information. Some information that leads me to believe I owe the good monsignor an apology, and although he has likely never seen my journal, a retraction here.

On Saturday, I was going through a box of odds and ends in my room when I noticed some smaller, very old boxes. Boxed crucifixes, probably purchased some 40 years ago and forgotten in the choir room until a certain Wee Hob stole them. Also, a bag of red zippers that match our robes.

I confronted him and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about those."

Yeah, okay, maybe. I made arrangements to return them to the head usher quietly, as I didn't want to give the Good Monsignor a new reason to be angry.

The head usher took them from Wee Hob and gave him a stern talking to. He then put them in the sacristy and I sent Wee Hob home with his godparents so I could get ready to sing my mass.

Then the head usher asked me if by chance I had seen any walkie talkies back then (short range ones, like toys but a little nicer). Actually I had. Wee Hob claimed they were his friend Ryan's and that they were playing with them and Ryan gave them to him. I had made him return them ages ago, believing in the aftermath of the Cathedral thefts that these were also stolen.

Gets worse. The Good Monsignor also approached me and wondered if Wee Hob were loose in his cathedral again. I told him no and explained the boxes as something that had been forgotten and recently found. And he asked if by chance I had seen a pair of binoculars.

That was another item I was sure was stolen but could not prove, and I had insisted he return it to its rightful owner as well. I had believed this was also something that had disappeared from Ryan's house, and Wee Hob told me he had returned it before I got home from work one day. I have never met Ryan's grandmother, who lives in our complex. I should have made more effort to do that, I realize.

When I confronted him about this, Wee Hob was able to locate the binoculars, which he had hidden elsewhere in the house. And he finally admitted that they were also from the Cathedral. He continues to swear the walkie talkies were given to him, but he can not tell me where they are now. No idea what else was missing from the Cathedral during this time period, but it seems clear that the Good Monsignor was trying to be decent and not present me with a laundry list when there was no proof Wee Hob was responsible for all of it. It's a fairly open building, and thefts do happen there.

So, while the Good Monsignor has maybe not been as gracious as he might have been, I really haven't been either. And my son is both a thief and a liar and I really do not know what to do. Other than take away all his privileges again, not trust him, be really angry at him and tell him I might take a long while to get over it, and make him write a letter of apology to the Good Monsignor: legible, properly spelled, and demonstrating both a clear understanding of all the ways his actions have wronged the man and a sincere penitence for it. This last is torture in a lot of ways-- he has a hard time writing, and it will take several copies before he gets one that's acceptable.

His therapist knows about it and is backing up my letter of apology demand-- he'll be excluded from camp outings until it's completed. The senseless of it really gets me, on top of the whole betrayal of trust thing. I mean, he was already caught, and these items were ones we had already told him we knew were stolen. How hard could it be to give them back to the right people, while you're already being punished for the offense? He lost all privileges and was grounded for months-- it's not like I could have done anything worse because he honestly had nothing left to take Already. I. Do. Not. Understand.

Back to my point. I was wrong, about a great many things, and regardless of anybody else's actions or omissions, and I wanted to state that publicly and for the record. Which I have now done.

Comments

[father-turtle.livejournal.com]

I guess I should also apologize for being so quick to condemn. Bad habit of mine, and not particularly healthy for a pastor. I appreciate you stepping up and saying what you did here. It's a lot easier to be wrong than it is to admit it.

[usedtobeljs]

I am so sorry for the pain you're in, and for whatever pain is driving Wee Hob.

May there be peace soon. [hugs]

[miamadwyn.livejournal.com]

I'm so grateful that Wee Hob has a therapist to help you with this. It must be so hard, but hang tough, this too shall pass.

[beatrice_otter]

It's really tough to know what to do in such a situation. How old is Wee Hob? It sounds like taking away privileges isn't working; some children really do need physical discipline (within proper guidelines, of course). I am praying for you both. Just remember to tell him that although you no longer trust him and are very angry with him (and you have excellent reason not to), you still love him and will always love him.

Thank you for your moral courage in posting a public retraction.

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

How horrible for you. I'm so very sorry.

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

Wee Hob is just lucky to have a mother who will model for him what it means to own your own actions. I know you're having a hard time, but I have to think that this honesty and punishment will pay off in the end.

[firefly124.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. {{hobgoblinn}}

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Padre. It sure is.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear Lady.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Wee Hob turned 13 in April. It's probably worth noting that he has spent significant time in the residential treatment and foster care systems for mental health and abuse issues, (from age 5-9) and I only got him back 3 and 1/2 years ago. And I do love him, but I think because of all I went through to get him back I am too quick to forgive and excuse. I'm seeing now that's a bad thing. I think at this point a good bit of healthy discomfort and shame will do him a world of good.

Thanks for your support and prayers.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear Lady. *hugs back*

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

Ouch. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're calling him on his actions -- so many parents have perfect little petunias who are actually terrors because nobody holds them accountable. But it's hard for you, and you're trying so hard with him.

I'm glad you held up on sending the letter!

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, thanks. And now he's on Draft #4 of His little letter. I've yet to start on mine-- about half written in my head.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I hope that Wee Hob is finally able to understand the seriousness of his offenses, make proper amends and start to move on.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

yeah, thanks. I hope so too.

[empresspatti.livejournal.com]

Oh Sweetie!!

I know you are heartsick. And I know you have to ground him etc all over again - tiresome and depressing. What does he say about this?

Hang in there - this is going to take extra patience and a real hard ass Mom face.....

[heron-pose.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

::hugs::

I'm sure his therapist has some good ideas about what's driving the thievery; feelings of deprivation die hard, even after a long time of sufficiency, is my experience.

I think talking to him, and modeling this good behavior of stepping up and taking responsibility is the best you can do. I would doubt he needs further deprivation; he needs to see integrity in his life and in the world. Sadly it's in short supply in general, but luckily you have a great lot of it, and he knows that.

Listen to me -- um, well, for what it's worth, that's what I think.

::more hugs::

[antennapedia.livejournal.com]

Major sympathies to you, and bully to you for sticking it out and staying firm but loving. Poor kid-- can't imagine what's going on in his head, but it's probably a very tangled place.

[mad-queen-mab.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear these developments, dear.

The letter sounds like a good idea, and Wee Hob's lucky to have you looking out for him, even if he might be chafing a bit at the loss of privileges.

[beatrice_otter]

Gotcha. That would be a "no" on the physical discipline, then. I would caution you that revoking privileges for too long can backfire as the only punishment--children are notoriously bad at long-term thinking, and if they can't realistically see the end of the punishment, they don't think it matters if they do something that makes it longer because they can't see the end of it anyway. Well, hopefully things will improve, and the tougher love will work.

[ex-shitsu-to509.livejournal.com]

Oh Hob, what a complex situation. I''m sorry that this has happened and I hope the letter helps Wee Hob to reflect on his actions and move forward.

"I was wrong, about a great many things, and regardless of anybody else's actions or omissions, and I wanted to state that publicly and for the record."

Much respect for doing the above, personally I don't think I'd possess the courage or humility, so am full of admiration for yours.

[emmeline33.livejournal.com]

I can only imagine what pain you are in. My gut says that you should not regret trusting your son. Losing someone's trust--as he has yours--is a hard, painful, but ultimately valuable lesson. Perhaps it would have been even worse for him in the greater scheme of things if you had never trusted him at all. You're in my prayers, you and Wee Hob both.

[clavally.livejournal.com]

I feel so bad for you for having this happen. I really wish I do something, say something to make it easier. If nothing else, you have all the mental hugs from me that you can handle.

It might have tasted bitter to do it, but I think posting this apology was good. It's one of the reasons I like you: Your code of honor and sense of fair play. I'm not sure I've ever said that to anyone before, but there you go.

You have my prayers and my hopes that you and your son will find peace with yourselves and each other.

*hugs*

[sahiya.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm sorry this is happening, but I'm glad you have his therapist and his godparents to back you up. Best of luck - and kudos for not simply hitting the roof and making things worse like a lot of parents would have.

[gillo]

I'm so sorry about this. He's a screwed-up kid and probably has no idea what he's doing.

A little story. My brother shoplifted and was in trouble with the police when he was 15. All the more serious because Dad was the local police chief. It was horrible for all of us - and he could offer no explanation for what he'd done.

Three years later he was admitted to Oxford, one of the two most prestigious universities in the country. He's now 50, a pillar of the community and totally stable.

So you see, it can be done. I know you and he will get through this.{{hugs}}

I'm sorry, love. I just haven't been able to get onto the beta stuff - and we're off to France tonight. Back August 4th - let me know what you want me to do when I get back and I'll put it at the top of my list.

[whitestar-alpha.livejournal.com]

***hugs***

I sorry things are difficult for you both right now. I hope that eventually things will work out and this'll just end up being a bad bump in the road of life.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Well, now I have to write my own letter to the Good Monsignor. It's a lot harder. Because even if he's not looking me in the eye, I have to see him every week.

Ah well. Thanks.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, lady. I appreciate it.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Lady. I appreciate the hugs. As I told Sniggs, I also have to write to the Good Monsignor, and read my missive to Wee Hob. Which is infinitely harder than swallowing my pride here. Being a grown up really sucks, some days.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Lady.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear lady. I'll be back on the 4th late, myself. We'll hook up after and compare vacation notes. I'm going to my hometown to see my mom and at least one old friend I havent' seen in over 20 years.

And thanks for the reminder that even the most Y chromosome impaired sometimes outgrow this stuff. Good to know.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, lady.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Lady. He's resigned to loss of his stuff, and trying to be really cute and small so I will not frown at him quite so much. He did write the letter and the final version is pretty good. We'll see how he does after the meeting with the Good Monsignor this weekend. I'm ging to have to make sure he's closely supervised after school when it starts up again, though. And take him with me to workthe last couple of weeks before school when I really have to go in.

I'm telling him "I love you no matter what. But I am still very very mad at you, and that might not change for quite a while."

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think the fostercare system and not really having stuff of his own may have been part of the original problem. Hopefully we're getting it under control now. Thanks, and hugs back.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think the letter did get him to think more about how his actions hurt others. Thanks for the support.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Tangled indeed. It's that Y chomosome, I'm telling you.

Thanks for the support.

[snarkysneak.livejournal.com]

Oh dear...I'm so sorry. The situation is totally messed up, but I have great respect for you as you are doing your absolute best to straighten it all out. I understand that you feel bad about that letter that you posted and I respect you for apologising, but I also wanted to say that it wasn't entirely your fault. You did the best you could with what turned out to be incomplete information. Had the usher or the priest mentioned anything to you about the other missing property, you probably wouldn't have had the reaction you did to the priest's behaviour toward you and Wee Hob. You also took action when the new information came to light. You are a good person and your Wee Hob is lucky to have you.

[empresspatti.livejournal.com]

I always told my kids that my trust was freely given until it was lost. Then it had to be earned anew. Not very easily done.

It might be helpful if he understands how much extra work it is for you to have to uber supervise him. Sometimes my kids didn't realize how hard I had to try once they screwed up.....

Also - substitute disappoint for mad - it makes them feel guiltier!

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Oddly, my being mad at him is making more of an impression. I think it's good for him, to know that I love him even when I'm mad at him. Kind of a revelation, after everything.

Yeah, I will make sure he knows how hard it's going to be on me to have to uber supervise. good phrase for it.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, dear lady.

[fishsanwitt]

::hugs:: and I'm thinking of both of you.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, lady.