Hobgoblinn and the no good, horrible, very bad week

[hobgoblinn]

I have two ideas for stories-- one for Antenna's Rupertus Domesticus, and one a prompt I posted to tenyearsofbuffy and then started having specific scenes come to me about it. Plus the Nano novel thing. But not a lot of writing, or anything else, got done this week. Partially too busy, partially feeling really terrible about something which may or may not have been my fault. Depression and guilt-- the cornerstones of the hobgoblinn work ethic.

Life took the sudden downward spiral when I got a call at 10 last Saturday morning, just as I was getting out of the shower, having slept happily and decadently late. It was the agency where I have periodic visits with three of my kids, now adopted into another family. "Are we going to see you today?" the social worker asked cheerfully.

I am not usually that much of a flake. I remember trying to get something nailed down for this year, back before Thanksgiving, so the quarterly visits happen every 3 months, as opposed to every 6 or 7. But I don't recall getting actual confirmation back of the dates for the coming year. I had been meaning to call all week and try to get something going again, but things had been so busy and crazy....

So, three very disappointed kids waiting there on that end. Me here, feeling overwhelmed with sadness and guilt. No way to get across town in time, even if my son and I had been dressed and ready to leave that minute. Every likelihood that the adoptive mom would decide that this is the perfect excuse to cut this inconvenience and awkwardness out of her life for good.

It kind of doesn't matter if I was just criminally irresponsible about not writing down the date of the next visit, or the agency was lax about communicating the plan to all parties. "We've had staff changes, and we can't be calling every visiting parent to remind them to show up, etc...." they informed me nastily. Yeah, well, most of your clients have something scheduled Every Week, or Every Other Week at the least. I never missed one in over 3 years, with any of my kids, though social workers frequently neglected to show up so a visit could actually happen, back when we were embroiled in the fun litigation. At any rate, the damage is the same to the kids waiting, regardless of whose fault it is.

Things have somewhat evened out now. We have a make up visit scheduled for Feb 17th which I will not forget, as it is written on three different calendars I use. They are sending me the whole year's schedule in the mail, and it will get posted prominently on the refrigerator. My not so little son has been giving me lots of hugs and making me very proud of him by creating this cool school project all on his own. That icon is Joan of Arc.

And Small Hobgoblinn is off with his Scouting buddies at the Winter Camporee this weekend. Mama Hobgoblinn learned her lesson back in October. No camping for me until the Low at night stays above 50 degrees. S.H. learned his lesson too-- he is much more prepared for the cold than he was last time.

Anyway, I hope to get some music and some writing and some cleaning done this weekend. I've got a consultation with a former co-worker and bride to be-- I'm singing her wedding next month. And I hope to catch up on reading everyone else's journals. If there's something anyone really wanted to make sure I saw and commented on, please do let me know.

Hob

Comments

[theblackmare.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. I am so sorry to hear about this. There are few things more painful in life than having events which are hugely important to you whirled away in the daily routine of other people to whom they are just a job. I do not believe for a moment -- even if you do, in the backwash of guilt-- that you actually forgot about that visit. Your track record, and the fierceness with which you fought to win even these scattered moments with these kids, tell me that some idiot at the agency screwed up. GRRRRR. There is NOTHING, anywhere, in you that is remotely irresponsible. You are one of the most courageous and ethical people I know, and have gone to tremendous lengths where others would have yielded to that dark, carnivorous despair. It saddens me to see you doubt yourself this way, although I suspect that self-doubt comes easily to you [as it does to me] because we have both been reluctant warriors and are still reeling from the shock of having had to fight the good fight at all, even if we "won". It's that cost of having to engage the unexpected enemy, that gravity of ethics in action, the horrible pain of having had to do triage on one's one life, tangled as it is in the lives of those we love.

Are you allowed to write to these children, or is even that monitored and "supervised"?

I am appalled that the adoptive parents are so callous about this.

I don't know how long you will have to wait before these three are old enough to visit with you on their own terms [i.e. at 18, perhaps?], but I hope that you can cling to these fragile threads until then so that you and they can have the opportunity to come together on ground of your own choosing. It sounds like they do value their connection with you, and I am relieved that you were able to schedule a visit for another time.

As ever, my thoughts go out to you and the Wee Hob. Please grant yourself the mercy you have earned and you offer to others. I, for one, have faith in you, and more than a little awe at what you have managed to build from a cruelly shattered world. Plus, "Joan of Arc" is fabulous. Your not so small son seems to have a certain eye for brave women.

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Lady. I kept setting this aside wanting to write more, but just-- thanks. Your kind words mean a lot. And, can't say much for the circumstances, but I'm very glad to hear from you, in any capacity-- I have been wondering how your new life is going. I hope you are putting down roots and enjoying a new and much healthier life.

Hob

[antennapedia.livejournal.com]

*world's biggest hug* <---- certified by guinness book of world records

[usedtobeljs]

I'm so sorry that your week has been awful -- may the next one be better.

[wide-rider.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[clavally.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're going though such a horrible time, but happy to hear from you. Was getting a little worried about you and I'd intended to leave you a message today to check up on you.

If there's anything I've learned this week, it's that misunderstanding and miscommunication is SO easy and the only thing to do afterward is look towards the future. Dwelling on it will only make you feel bad and won't fix anything.

I agree their agency was really snippy with you. One can imagine it was because they know they screwed up.

*world's second biggest hug+5 regular ones to be used at your leisure*