As the Wee Hobgoblinn turns

[hobgoblinn]

Most of my posts about my wee hob are funny, or at least tongue in cheek. I love my boy and I am usually inordinately proud of him. He is a lad of life, an imp of fame, and a blessing.


Today, I still love my son. But he has made some very, very bad choices recently, and they came home to roost today. It's bad enough to find out that he's been hiding a serious misdeed from me and lying about it. It's infinitely worse to have just had a meeting Yesterday with the ordained one, at which it finally came out that they think Wee Hob made off with an expensive blackberry someone left in the sacristy-- and to have defended the boy saying it was nothing he would ever do--

Only to find out less than 24 hours later, and a month after the theft, that he did it.

Yeah. The good Monsignor still is a bit clueless about kids and heavy handed about dealing with uncomfortable situations. But he has every right to demand that a child he believes to be a thief be closely supervised at all times in his church. And now that I know what he's done, that will not be the only way or place he's closely supervised. His grounding has been extended to the rest of the school year (he was already grounded for some much milder behavior that we thought was an aberration, not a pattern), and I'm going to have to hire someone to supervise him between the end of school and when I can get home-- no more after school clubs or friends house or walking home by himself.

Boy had to get dressed up in his suit again this afternoon and accompany me and his godparents back to the church, hand the item over to Father and apologize. He also got a good deal of wisdom and help from his godmother in particular. She is a better therapist, really, than any of the professionals I had dealings with over my years in the court system, and that's saying something. Not that he won't be getting some appointments with professionals as well. But the work she did with him this afternoon helped him finally admit everything out loud. And she reinforced my message to him that if he's trying to see if we'll give up on him, it ain't gonna happen. Ever. Really, now that I think about it, major life changes have been happening to this kid at about 2-2 and a half year intervals all his life. So perhaps we were due. And he's had multiple living situations fail as he became too much to handle in various placements.

It's hard for me not to feel that I've failed here somehow. But this is not about me, and I have no control over his choices. I can certainly take steps to limit his choices, and boy, have I ever.

So, a miserable, draining day that could only have been made worse had death or dismemberment been involved. But I am so thankful for his godparents, and my other friends both near, and here.

Comments

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that things have turned out like this. I remember when you were upset that they accused him, so this must have come as such a shock. But good for you for staying calm and taking such positive steps. It takes a good parent to put the needs of the child above a very human need to just explode.

[antennapedia.livejournal.com]

Oh man oh man. Wee Hob! I hope it's a phase. An attention-getting phase. Mr Pedia went through a phase somewhat like that when he was a bit older than Wee Hob is, and he settled down eventually. Sympathies to you. Hang in there.

[gileswench.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie, ouch!

You did several things absolutely right, though: you supported him when you believed him innocent; you gave him serious and immediate consequences when you discovered his guilt; you made him make what amends he could; you've made sure he knows you still love him; and you're taking steps to try to discover why he did this and to help him make better choices.

What's more, good for you for remembering that Wee Hob is his own person who is going to make his own mistakes because of who he is and not because you did something horrible. You are not a bad person because your son made a bad mistake.

Now lean on your friends, and listen to Wee Hob's godmother because she sounds like a wonderfully wise woman.

[clavally.livejournal.com]

I'd like to second everything Gileswench said. You're handling this far better than most people would, hang in there and don't give up on him or yourself.

It also reminds me a bit of a book I was just discussing with a friend on child/teen psychology. I think it's called something like Your Teenager is Insane and details just why kids make the poor decisions they do and why a lot of it is because their brains haven't developed quite enough to keep them from doing some indescribably stupid things some times even when they know how bad the consequences will be. If you'd like to read it, I'll double-check the title and look up the author for you. It might help a little. Well, at least help you not to blame yourself.

You and the wee one will continue to be in my prayers.

*hugs*

[hobgoblinn.livejournal.com]

Thanks, my dear. I would very much like the title and author of that book if you can find it. Last night was very like I was living with a split personality kid-- angry and irrational one minute, and cute and kind and loving later.

I guess I've wanted so much to see him and his improvement as "normal" that I've lost sight of the fact that he's really not, for a host of reasons. He may yet become so, but wishing is not going to accomplish the fact.

[clavally.livejournal.com]

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I sent an email to the friend to get the title/author, but I've not heard back from him yet. Just decided to try and find it on my own and got it on the first try. It's called Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid without Losing Your Mind by Michael J Bradley and Jay N Giedd. Here's a link to it at Barnes and Noble in case you want to read the summary: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9780936197449&itm=2

I also came up with it's companion book in my search, a teen survival guide that Wee Hobb might find helpful: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9780936197487&itm=1

I think I might buy these for my sister and my niece.

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are still with you and I hope this helps a little.

*hugs*

[ladyforash.livejournal.com]

Everyone here has said everything much better than I, but I just wanted to lend my support and friendship. :hugs:

[nemaihne.livejournal.com]

Oh, wowsers! It's all been said above, but poor Hob. Kudos to you and wishes for grace in such trying times...

[sahiya.livejournal.com]

I echo gileswench. I'm sorry to hear about all of this, but it's good that you know now what's really going on with him so you can do something about it. Best of luck to both you and Wee Hob. *hugs*

[headrush100.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Love and understanding can go a long, long way, but boy is it tough sometimes. Well done you. Sending much good thought your and Wee Hob's way!

[gillo]

Oh my dear, what a dreadful experience for you. It will take time to rebuild trust in him, but he has to understand that this must be his primary target now. You are blessed in your friends who have and will support you through this.

Nobody ever said it was easy to bring up a child. {{{hugs}}}

[usedtobeljs]

Such a hard day for you. [hugs] Sympathy, and good thoughts for your support-system!

[ex-shitsu-to509.livejournal.com]

Damn, that's a tough one - poor you. Souunds like you handled it really well, staying calm and realising it's not about you. Sending you sympathy and hugs.

One day Wee Hob will be a charming young man and you'll barely be able to remember him as this person. Hang in there.

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me not to feel that I've failed here somehow. But this is not about me, and I have no control over his choices. I can certainly take steps to limit his choices, and boy, have I ever.


Bravo to you for remembering this. Based on everything you've said, I think he is acting out to see if he will still be loved no matter what. So the fact that you let him know this is so important. As is immediately letting him know there are consequences for his actions.

It sounds to me like although this is a difficult and trying situation for everyone, you are handling in exactly as it needs to be handled.

We're here for you for however you need us to be.

Hang in there.

[father-turtle.livejournal.com]

I give a hearty second--or third or fourth or fifth--to everything gileswench wrote.

If every parent whose child screwed up decided to castigate themselves, we'd all be castigated. And I'm sure we all are--or at least, the parents who give a damn are. Fine. We're castigated. Now move on. All we can do is the best we can do. When we fail, we rely on the grace of God--who doesn't fail. We pray, "Thy will be done," and then we do our best to mean it as we move on.

Ora et labora. That's the best we can do. Pray and work.

[bemoan1000.livejournal.com]

I agree with gileswench said and will be keeping you in my prayers. Just makes me think how I have disappointed God and he loves me unconditional.

[samson28.livejournal.com]

I think children are here just to try their parents patience! *Hugs*